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WAKE UP WORLD

A man has died in a day of violent anti-capitalist demonstrations in the City of London. Skip related content

Police said they found the victim in a street by the Bank of England, where he had fallen down and stopped breathing at around 7.30pm.
Officers moved the man behind a police cordon and attempted to resuscitate him before he was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. Police said they had to move the man after protesters hurled bottles at them.
At least 32 people, out of an estimated 4,000 who gathered in London's financial district for a protest on the eve of the G20 summit, were arrested after a string of clashes with officers.
Fires broke out on the streets and an effigy of a City banker was set ablaze after riot police hemmed in a group of demonstrators near the Bank of England.
One police officer was taken to hospital and received treatment after suffering a blow to the head. Seven protesters were also taken to hospital.
Senior officers have vowed to arrest a small group of protesters, some wearing bandanas and hoodies, who smashed windows at a Royal Bank of Scotland office.
Smoke bombs were hurled into the building and some protesters entered, with Scotland Yard officers following around 15 minutes later "in support of building security".
Two people were held for aggravated burglary over the raid on the RBS building in Threadneedle Street and two for public order offences.
Others were held for threatening behaviour, possession of drugs, violent disorder and blocking a road. Eleven people were arrested on Wednesday morning after police uniforms were found in the back of an armoured vehicle.
Met Police Commander Simon O'Brien said: "As we went on it was clear there were people within the group that were first of all involved in juvenile and puerile behaviour.
"That started to escalate into quite provocative behaviour towards police lines. There were small groups charging forwards and backwards into police lines."
"It did seem to us from CCTV and police on the scene that they tried to find a way to ramp up the protest and hijack it into violence. We believe these were the sort of people we have been monitoring on the internet and on-line prior to today."

PEOPLE THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO BANKS WILL FOLD IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER NWO WILL COME AND FEMA DEATH CAMPS WILL COME IN TO FORCE REMEMBER ONE WORLD GOVERMENT

HERE WE GO AGAIN TIME SCALE FOR THE NWO IS ON TIME

Drivers will have to fork out an extra 2.12p a litre for fuel today after the government's delayed fuel tax hike finally came into force.
The AA says a family with two cars will probably end up paying an extra £54.53
a year in tax as the national average price of petrol jumps to 94.22p a litre.
Meanwhile, the Freight Transport Association (FTA) warned the increase could "push businesses over the edge". It fears another rise in fuel tax in this month's Budget.
"The government has another bite of the cherry on 22 April," said FTA chief executive Theo de Pencier. "If they take that bite, they are as good as signing the death warrants for some businesses and putting yet more workers onto the dole queue."
"At a time when jobless figures are already sky-rocketing, the government needs to understand that such actions will only add to them."
These increase are "no joke" said AA president Edmund King. "It's a shame that this and other fuel tax increases will severely dent consumer spending and undermine the UK's economic recovery."
"Taking an extra £1 off drivers each time they fill up their fuel tank is a £1 taken away from High Street and leisure spending that would help revive the economy."

The Secret Cabals Working Toward a Global One-World Government

In many ways, this is the core concept from which many other conspiracy theories spring forth. The "New World Order" is the fabled end-game for the power-hungry global elite that many believe are behind the events that have shaped history and current events. The core theory speculates that long-standing bloodlines and banking families have entered secret arrangements to consolidate power and influence via a global one-world government. The secret societies such as the Bilderbergs and Illuminati (and to some extent elite Free Masons) are at the core of the theory. Suspected members of these groups are associated with major international banks, the Project for the New American Century, the Council on Foreign Relations, and the Trilateral Commission. The people speculated to be at the center of this particular conspiracy comprise a short-list of less than 3,000 of the who's-who in international politics, industry, and finance. Led by the select few who represent multi-generational family involvement for whom power consolidation has replaced wealth accumulation, the goal is global amalgamation in the form of a tightly controlled police mega-state. Contemporary events, such as the controlled demolition of the economy and purposely failed U.S. foreign policy are seen as the latest necessary steps toward the inevitable global police state. Even elements of the UFO and ET technology cover-ups can be traced back to this unification conspiracy theory as the power elite use all tools at their disposal to refine the technologies needed to control a global population. In one way or another, according to traditional conspiracy theorists, all lessor conspiracies are traced back to this singular but complex theory that is to conspiracies what string theory is to physics. More information about this particular conspiracy theory may be obtained from the following topics here on AboveTopSecret.com:
VIDEO: End Game
VIDEO: War Made Easy
Who's Going to Join the Zeitgeist Movement?
Get Ready Folks.
Do Not Watch This Video...
NWO Survival Planning
DHS: "You'll get a National ID and you'll Like it"
The Omega Agency: "Above The President"
Is The War Against The NWO Already Lost?
New World Order Forum: Recent Topics Overview
Secret Societies Forum: Recent Topics Overview

The Collapse of the Global Economy Was A Controlled Demolition

While this may, justifiably, be a sub-set of the conspiracy theory coming in at number-one, the contemporary nature, and real emotional and economic pain being felt by the average person, makes this worthy of a position in the middle of our top-ten. Taking a cue from terminology often used in our number-three conspiracy, the "controlled demolition" refers to the decades-long plan to destroy the collective wealth of the average person. In the first half of the previous century, people's financial savings were almost exclusively tied up in bank savings, pensions, and personal real estate (homes). Since those three simple vehicles for building or sustaining personal prosperity were not easily controlled or manipulated by the "powers that be," new methods were required to shift the finances from those relatively static, uncontrollable sources, to a more fluid and easily manipulated destination, the stock market. As a result, the government created and promoted several methods of "saving for retirement" that were tied to equity markets. Over time, an epic shift of wealth storage occurred that gave rise to huge global "investment banks" and drove equities indexes to unthinkable highs. But savings was only part of the plan. The "powers that be" needed access to the equity in homes. So the shift in wealth storage soon focused on personal real estate. Unconventional mortgages were devised and sold at a dizzying pace to unqualified buyers. In order to fund highly exotic and risky mortgage-backed securities, both conventional and unconventional mortgages were pushed in a frenetic sales effort. The public was encouraged to use the equity in their personal real estate as credit for a massive consumer culture through home equity lines of credit, which were also folded into the exotic securities. With these strategies, the final component of the wealth storage shift was complete -- nearly every mortgage was tied to impossibly complex and highly-leveraged investment products designed to bring about catastrophe. Now that the collective wealth of the average person had been transitioned to easily manipulated equity markets, the stage was set. Those few who devised this decades-long plan reaped the financial rewards as the "bombs" were detonated and the economy collapsed inward, resulting in the hard-earned savings of millions of people very-nearly vanishing in mere months, and the values of their homes crashing so hard it created millions of people with negative equity. The populace was successfully stripped of their wealth. More information about this particular conspiracy theory may be obtained from the following topics here on AboveTopSecret.com:
RED ALERT: FX Dislocation In Process
History of Housing Prices Chart - SHOCKING
U.S. Dollar Biggest Decline In Quarter Century
The End of The United States: The Bush Administration Plan
US Banking Collapse a 'Controlled Demolition'

RELAX!!!

TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS Have a fabulous STRESS FREE Day!

Thought for the day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.Piss on it and walk away.

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prev! Ent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forc! Ing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed! His hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.! The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says! The admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, w! Ithout a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

WORDS OF ADVICE

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been put on my blog for you for good luck . It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

POLICE NEVER AROUND WHEN YOU NEED THEM

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said,'Okay' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars Red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

WAKE UP PEOPLE AND SEE

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM UNLOCK YOUR MOBILE

JOKE OF THE DAY

CHEWING GUM

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?''We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

WINTER JOLLYS JOKES

What kind of paper likes music?(W)rapping paper
What do you call a crate of ducks?A box of quackers
What's white and goes up?A confused snowflake
What wobbles and flies?A jelly-copter
What athlete is warmest in winter?A long jumper
What's the fastest thing in water?A motor pike
What's furry and minty?A polo bear
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?A wooly jumper
What is black and white and noisy?A zebra with a drum kit
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors?An ex-tractor fan
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?Annette
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?Because he couldn't concentrate
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?Bourneville and Dean
How did the Vikings send secret messages?By Norse code
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?Dam
What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?Fanta Claus!
Hear about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?He won a nobel prize
How much must you know to be an auctioneer?Lots
What cereals do cats like?Mice Crispies
Which players in an orchestra can't you trust?The fiddlers
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.The kids were nothing to look at either
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?To see his flatmate
How do hedgehogs make love?Very carefully
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?Where's popcorn?
How do cows subtract?With a cow-culator

OLD WHO'S OLD

An old lady!!

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Moments later there are further blood curdling screams
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.' 'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Christmas Carol For 2008????

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town

SAY NO TO THE EURO WE DONT NEED THE EURO AND WE DONT NEED THE REST OF EUROPE THEY NEED US MORE THEN WE NEED THEM SO DONT DO IT BROWN OR ITS ANOTHER NAIL IN LABOURS COFFIN

JOINING THE CHURCH

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have A special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from S E X For one whole month.'The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying andthe husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is There a problem?' the pastor inquired.'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from S E X for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.The pastor asked him what happened.'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from theBible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate S E X. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Woolworths either.'

IN TIMES OF TROUBLE

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, andThings went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.One woman lost it completely.She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...




Then, he spoke... 'Iron this love -- and then get me a beer.'

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

HELPING OTHERS

A male friend was in Safeway the other day pushing his trolley around when he collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.He said to him, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I really wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.The young man said, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'He said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?The young guy said, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'He said... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is> quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two> days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day

A Drover in the Northern Territory

A Drover walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

A Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there', and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

The Credit Crunch will Affect Everyone in Britain

********* TAKE THAT **********

THE SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

CHECK THE LINK FOR A NEW WORLD ORDER

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup, this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

THEN AGAIN, I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE

THE HAIRDRYER

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course my child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!

Lawyers...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, 'I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?'
St. Peter replied, 'Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!'

wish you was here havin the time of my life

'When I get out, someone's gonna DIE!'

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

SICK DAY

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a woodpulp mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

IRISH COFFEE

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went...'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHs

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

he replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.

' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

MY FISHING PARTNER

MANNERS

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American IN his place !'An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!'

THE PRAYING MAN

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.So she went to the Western Wall to check it out and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. '

Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'

'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.'

'I pray for all our children to grow up safely, as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.' '

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'





'Like I'm talking to a f**kin' wall.

Hot Air Balloon!

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude andspotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady,'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hourago, but I don't know where I am.'The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.''You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?''Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technicallycorrect but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip '.The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.''I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?''Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You madea promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f****** fault.

AMERICA WORLD GOVERMENT DONT LET THIS HAPPEN

PEOPLE WE NEED TO WAKE UP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE

WATCH THIS AND THINK ABOUT IT AND ACT NOW

WAKE UP ENGLAND DONT FOLLOW AMERICA ANY MORE

BROWN DONT BE A PUPPET LIKE BUSH BREAK AWAY FROM THE USA
AND BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW.......!

ps dont let me tell you see the evidence for your self

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

FACE LIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girlThe very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug storeon her way down the street.She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk thisBurning question.The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting nextto her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I wasYoung there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my handsunder* *Your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets thebest of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel aroundvery slowly and carefully.He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old amI?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, andsays, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could youTell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Cop Vs. Little Girl

A cop was on his horse
Waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
Beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop Said.
'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike Over and handed the girl a $5 ticket For a safety
Violation.
The cop said,
'Next Year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on The back of it!'
The young girl looked Up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse You've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the Girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked Up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The dick
goes Underneath the horse, not on top

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, 'What''s in the bags?'
'Sand,' answered Juan.
The guard says, 'We'll just see about that, get off the bike.' The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, 'What have you got?'
'Sand,' says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up at the border one day and the guard bumps into him in a Cantina.
'Hey, Buddy,' says the guard, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
Juan sips his beer and says, 'Bicycles.'

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. '
I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. '

I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. '

I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer , lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'




You're gonna LOVE this....




The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.


I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

This credit crisis is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition: Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded.

'Pepper.'

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

The Parish Priest's Chickens

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation,

"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant.
What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?

" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

AN O.A.P CHECK UP

A deaf old man goes for a check up to the doctor’swith his wife.Doctor, slowly: 'Mr Roberts, I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample please'.'What did he say dear?' says old Mr Roberts.Mrs Roberts: 'He says he needs your underpants'.

KNOW YOUR AIRLINES

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

IF ONLY LIFE WAS THIS SIMPLE ........!

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chainedFor all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a Duck.'