NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,'You Sign! You sign!'Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,'You Sign! You sign!'Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.The next day he hears a knock at the door again.When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,'You sign! You sign!'Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,'You sign! You sign!'Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)


(Wait for it)



(Get your best Chinese accent ready)


'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

RIPPED OF AGAIN

Councillor Mike Eddy said £16m came from the staff pension fund, £8m was school reserves and £2m was Kent Fire Authority money that the council was administering.
The rest of the £50m was made up of council tax and government grants, he added.
Canterbury council had £6m invested, with £4m in Heritable and £2m in Glitnir.
Dover council, Tonbridge and Malling council, and Sevenoaks council each had a £1m deposit with Landsbanki. The councils said services would not suffer.
Thanet council and Dartford council said they had withdrawn deposits from Icelandic banks.
A Dartford council spokesperson said: "The vulnerability of Icelandic banks has been highlighted by our advisers for the past two years."
Deposits from more than 100 councils across England, Wales and Scotland could be at risk, the BBC has learned.

EVERY ONE WHO LIVES IN KENT

ITS TIME FOR A REFUND FROM THE KENT COUNCIL OR NO POLL TAX NEXT YEAR

YOU SAY THE GOVERMENT TOLD YOU TO DO IT

WOULD YOU PUT YOUR HEAD A PILE OF POO

OR IN A BAKING OVEN NOW WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN RIPING US OFF

SPENDING OUR MONEY ABROAD THE GOVERMENT SUCK NOW SO DO THE KCC

WHEN I PAY MY POLL TAX ITS FOR THIS COUNTRY NOT ANY OTHER

KCC WHAT A JOKE YOU ARE

YOU THE READER TIME TO TAKE THESE JOKERS TO COURT OR GET A REFUND

WHAT SAY OF YOU

Blonde Cookbook

monday



It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.





tuesday



Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper



wednesday



A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.



thursday



Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..



friday



I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



saturday



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.



sunday



Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose

An engineer dies

An engineer dies & reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing & building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in Hell?

Satan replies: 'Hey things are going great.


We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'


God replies, 'What? You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan says: 'No way.


I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah,right.

And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'you've got to make love to me this very moment.'My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

BLACK TESTICLES

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back thecovers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

The future of nursery rhyme's

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct

It's Raining, It's Pouring Oh gosh, it's Global Warming

Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon 'Pies you dumb arse!'

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too cause he was gay

Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.

well done to janita & safia for gaining there blue belts on sunday

they will be starting there training for purple white stripe belts on tuesday
keep up the good work

Bath in Holy Water

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying git told you I was speeding, too.

Rebuilding New Orleans

First thing I've seen that makes sense

For complete description of materials and
how to build it,
please refer to Genesis, chapter 5:14-16

***** CHECK THIS OUT *******

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.
For those of you in the 21st century.
You will have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer. People may think you're crazy.
But it's well worth it.

When you look at this picture in a
closer look you see its Albert Einstein.
But if you stand 15 feet away,
It will become Marilyn Monroe.

Give a try

Cheltenham races

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

WILL THIS DAY EVER HAPPEN AGAIN .....?

One day, a long, long time ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to
Know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or
Improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree,
I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised
Or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs
Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her
Appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine
Checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home
Tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in
Here...'

A Bar Joke

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches i nto the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. < /I>'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by an other duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.' 'No kidding !!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

How is your lateral thinking?

Many years ago in a small village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a female village moneylender.

The female moneylender, who was old, fat and ugly, fancied the farmer's handsome son, Cliff. So she proposed a bargain. She said she would forego the farmer's debt, if she could marry his son. Both the farmer and his son were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning female moneylender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. She told them that she would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty moneybag. Then the son would have to pick one pebble from the bag. If he picked the black pebble, he would become her husband and her father's debt would be forgiven. If he picked the white pebble he need not marry her and his father's debt would still be forgiven. But if he refused to pick a pebble, his father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As she picked them up, the sharp-eyed son noticed that she had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag. She then asked the son to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the son? If you had to advise him, what would you have told him?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
· The son should refuse to take a pebble.
· The son should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a lying, backstabbing female cheat.
· The son should pick a black pebble and sacrifice himself in order to save his father from his debt and imprisonment.


Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The son's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if he chooses the above logical answers. What would you recommend to the son to do?
Well, here is what he did....The son put his hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, he fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles. 'Oh, how clumsy of me,' he said. 'But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.' Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that he had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit her dishonesty, the son changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.


MORAL OF THE STORY
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.

BLOND STOWAWAY

A young blond Portsmouth girl, down on her luck decided
to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold,dark
waters off Gunwharf Quay.
As she stood on the edge pondering the infinite, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping in
are you babes ?' he asked. 'Yes I am' replied the sobbing girl.'
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing is worth that. I'll tell you what,
I'm sailing for Australia tomorrow, why don't you stow away
on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one
of the life boats on the deck, and bring you food and water
every night and I'll look after you if you will look after me --
if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet
so that you won't be found out.'
The girl having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor
smuggled her on board that very night.
For the next three weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat
every night bringing food and water and making love to her
until dawn.
The fourth week , the Captain was performing a routine
inspection of its lifeboats, he peeled back the cover to find
the startled blond, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia,
one of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night, and he's
screwing me.'
The Captain stared at her for a moment before he replied ,
'He certainly is love . . . . this is the Isle of Wight Ferry!'

JOKE TIME

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'? The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

NOW UNLOCKING LG PHONE'S SUCH AS THESE

KE970

KG 320
KG245

KE260

KE770

KE800
KE820

KE850 PRADA

- KE970 - Shine - KE260, - KE770, - KE800, - KE820, - KE850 - Prada - KE60x - LG_KG800 - Chocolate - LG_MG800 - LG_KG90 - LG_KG245 - LG_KG248 - LG_KG320 - LG_MG320 - LG_L343i

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to pressIf you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy any wayIf you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beepIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you .If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done . .. . . . your turn!

THE MORNING AFTER

Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, - there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son is sitting at the table, eating.Jack , bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. 'Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm happily married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20 pence

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

MEET MAX

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings iT

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't theres a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to puton her coat. He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.' He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today. ''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without.Send extra sauce

no speak english

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


now look down







What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

the old one's are the best

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
-------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
-------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
------------------------------------

GOOD OLD TOMMY COOPER JOKES

Tommy Cooper Jokes Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get marriedThe ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.''That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.''Is it common?''It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can20do for him?''Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.''What? Because he's cross-eyed? ''No, because he's really heavy

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.''Well you can't say fairer than that then'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!---------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.He said 'Say Aaah.'I said 'Why?'He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who'sspeaking please?'And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths.I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin.Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'And I swerved.And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'And I swerved again.He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'And I said 'I careered off th e road.'

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought 'This is unusual'.And the dentist said to me'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you giveme a lift?'I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, andthe other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They lefta little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen youin a long time'The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in severalplaces'The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.He wasn't very happy.

i went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of themwould have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn'treach the meat off the top shelf.He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered withhundreds and thousands.Police say that he topped himself

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

THE STORY OF THE DAY

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk '.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.20
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?

The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.

'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...


. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


HAVE A GREAT DAY

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion,

a Chimpanzee,

a Giraffe,and

a Squirrel,

who pass by.They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron.Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.

the helicopter ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

PLAY WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.> Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting> competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've> already> given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream> homes,> courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're> now the fastest growing game on the planet.> Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British> passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.> Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits> starting> at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging> and> accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to> everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner> airlines, ferry> companies or Eurostar.> No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have> to> do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:> 'ASYLUM'.> Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan> were> flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted> where> local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to> their luxury> £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join> tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels> all over> Britain. Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs> of Dover> and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic> Bedfordshire.> If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need> to> phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.> Hundreds> of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It> won't> cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.> Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet> activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil> tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali> guerrillas...COME ON> DOWN!> Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to> the> ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France . Go straight to> Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of> lucky winners in> the softest game on earth.> Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.

GORDON BROWN HAS HEART ATTACK

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.''No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.''But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!''Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with no referendum on the European Constitution and the master strokes with Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the lift and heads upward.When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

HIGHER CAR TAX FROM THE RIP OFF GOVERMENT

Nearly nine million motorists will pay more road tax under the controversial changes to vehicle excise duty, it has emerged.The Government says the reforms - which will cost around 44% of drivers more money - are aimed at penalising the most polluting vehicles.

(A third of car drivers are likely to be better off.

Official figures predict that 8.7 million vehicles will see tax increased in 2009-10 - all in the six most-polluting bands.
Exchequer Secretary Angela Eagle said five of the UK's 30 most popular cars would pay more under the changes.
They include the 2.2l diesel Land Rover Freelander, the 1.6l unleaded Toyota Auris, the 2.2l diesel Honda CR-V, the 1.8l unleaded Vauxhall Vectra and the 1.6l unleaded Vauxhall Zafira.
Ms Eagle gave the figures in a Commons written answer to shadow Treasury minister Justine Greening.
She said: "As a result of the Vehicle Excise Duty reforms announced at Budget 2008, in 2009-10, it is estimated that within the 13 new bands, a third of cars will be better off in real terms, and in total, approximately 55% of cars will be no worse off."
The controversial changes to VED were unveiled by Chancellor Alastair Darling in his first Budget, doubling the tax on some family saloons to £455.
They attracted criticism from all sides, with 50 Labour rebels signing a Commons motion branding the changes "retrospective" because they will apply to all cars registered since March 2001.
Sheila Rainger, head of campaigns for the RAC, told Sky News the changes don't seem to be about reducing pollution.
"If this was about going green then we would have higher charges for larger vehicles and smaller chages for less polluting cars.
"There is a problem with these changes, it applies to everyone who has bought a car since 2001, so how can that be about influencing future purchasing?
"You have already bought the car and you are going to get hammered by the Chancellor for having something you chose on the best information available seven or eight years ago.
"It is a really serious problem - what we want is people to buy news cars, they are always cleaner regardless of the engine size because of the technology, but now people are going to get stuck with more polluting cars so the opposite of the green plan is going to happen."
Shadow Chancellor George Osborne accused Prime Minister Gordon Brown of seeming to mislead Parliament over the figures.
Treasury officials said "nothing new" had been revealed by the figures

another good joke apart from it's bloody true

get out now gordon brown while you still can its time for a new party true blue is the colour
nice one joke king norm

just as you thought you where safe not

goes to show your not safe anywhere

GUTS OR BALLS

There is a distinction. We hear of people having guts or balls, but do we really know the difference? This explanation may be helpful:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being accosted by your wife with a broom, and asking: 'Are you cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - As above but smelling of perfume, beer, and with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and saying: You're next, Chubby.'

This may clarify the definitions, but medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

hello antie regina

I bought myself a new scooter.I wanted something that was easy on petrol and could zip me to the store and about town.This seems to meet my EVERY need.I love it!
Remember:Senior Citizens Are Valuable:We are more valuable than any
of the younger generations:We have silver in our hair.We have gold in our teeth.We have stones in our kidneys.We have lead in our feet and.We are loaded with natural gas

THE WHEELS OF LIFE

THANKS NORMAN

THE TIME HAS CAME TO MEET THE NEW MISS ZIMBABWE

IS SHE GORGEOUS OR WHAT PEOPLE ARE FALLIN AT HER FEET

DAILY

TIME TO ACT NOW !!!!

mini me verne troyer sues over sex tape

The small actor is unhappy about an explicit video being released…
Verne Troyer- who played Mini Me in Austin Powers- is suing a website for releasing a sex tape of him.
He wants $20 Million from TMZ claiming copyright infringement and that the site violated his ‘right to publicity.’
The footage leaked this week and featured the music video and film star with a former girlfriend.
It was allegedly stolen from his apartment.
Reports say Kevin Platt- who distributed Paris Hilton’s infamous sex tape- was involved in giving Troyer’s footage to the website.

UNLOCKING AT PRESENT

1.3 MegaPixel camera with 4x digital zoom
Bluetooth
MP3 player and FM radio
Video recording
Colours available from O2(UK):
Graphite
Pink

J700

pebal reinvented

2 MegaPixel camera with 8x digital zoom
Expandable memory
MP3 player
Video capture and playback
Colours available from O2(UK):
Graphite
Purple

g600 pink
2.2inch, 16m colour screen
40MB internal memory + MicroSD slot
5 MegaPixel camera with auto-focus
FM radio
Quadband
Black
Pink

g600 side view
j600

1.3 MegaPixel camera with video
65k colour screen
Bluetooth
Expandable memory slot
MP3 player
Colours available from O2(UK):
Blue
Pink
j600 open view

UNLOCKING AT PRESENT

NOKIA

N95

D600 SAMSUNG

NOKIA 6300
D500 SAMSUNG
PLUS MORE INCLUDING THE NEW G600



Samsung : A117, A127, A436, A437, A501, A516, A701, A707, A800, B460, B500, C100, C108, C110, C120, C130, C140, C160, C160L, C160M, C161, C166, C170, C180, C200, C210, C216, C225, C230, C240, C250, C260, C300, C400, C417, C420L, C426, C450, C506, C520, D100, D307, D347, D357, D407, D410, D415, D428, D488, D500, D500E, D508, D510, D520, D550, D600, D610, D710, D720, D730, D800, D807, D820, D830, D840, D880, D900, D900i, E100, E105, E116, E200, E210, E217, E250, E250D, E250V, E300, E310, E315, E316, E317, E318, E320, E330, E335, E340, E350, E356, E360, E370, E380, E390, E400, E418, E420, E480, E490, E500, E530, E560, E570, E590, E600, E610, E620, E630, E635, E640, E650, E690, E700, E710, E715, E720, E730, E740, E750, E760, E770, E780, E790, E800, E810, E820, E830, E840, E850, E860, E870, E880, E890, E900, E910, E950, F200, F210, F250, F300, F330, G600, G800, I300, I300x, I310, I320, I505, I600, I607, I700, I750, J400, J600, J600E, J610, J700, J750, L600, L760, M110, M300, M600, M610, Nxxx, N700, N710, P100, P200, P207, P260, P300, P310, P400, P510, P518, P520, P705, P710, P720, P730, P735, P738, P777, P850, P900, P906, P910, P920, Rxxx, S100, S105, S200, S300, S300M, S341i, S342i, S400i, S401i, S410i, S500, S500i, S501i, S720i, S730i, T100, T108, T209, T219, T219S, T309, T319, T329, T429, T509, T519, T609, T619, T629, T649, T719, T729, T809, U100, U300, U600, U600B, U700, U700V, V100, V200, X100, X105, X120, X138, X140, X150, X156, X160, X160B, X200, X210, X300, X400, X426, X427, X430, X450, X460, X461, X466, X475, X478, X480, X481, X486, X490, X495, X497, X500, X507, X510, X520, X530, X540, X550, X566, X600, X610, X620, X630, X636, X640, X650, X660, X670, X680, X680N, X700, X770, X800, X810, X820, X830, X830N, X900, Z100, Z105, Z107, Z110, Z130, Z140, Z150, Z230, Z240, Z300, Z310, Z320, Z330, Z350, Z360, Z370, Z400, Z500, Z510, Z520, Z540, Z550, Z560, Z600, Z620, Z650, Z700, Z710, Z720, ZV10, ZV30, ZV40, ZV50, ZV60, ZM60, ZX10, ZX20LG : U8150, U8210, U8290 Sanyo : S750, S750i Softbank : 705sc, 706sc , 707sc, 707SCII, 709sc


also unlocking the following lg phones

FULL List Of Supported Phones:
- KE970 - Shine - KE260, - KE770, - KE800, - KE820, - KE850 - Prada - KE60x
- LG_KG800 - Chocolate - LG_MG800 - LG_KG90 - LG_KG245 - LG_KG248 - LG_KG320 - LG_MG320 - LG_L343i