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2009-04-29T14:33:00.000+01:00

WAKE UP WORLD

2009-04-13T13:56:00.000+01:00

A man has died in a day of violent anti-capitalist demonstrations in the City of London. Skip related content

2009-04-02T06:22:00.002+01:00

Police said they found the victim in a street by the Bank of England, where he had fallen down and stopped breathing at around 7.30pm.
Officers moved the man behind a police cordon and attempted to resuscitate him before he was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. Police said they had to move the man after protesters hurled bottles at them.
At least 32 people, out of an estimated 4,000 who gathered in London's financial district for a protest on the eve of the G20 summit, were arrested after a string of clashes with officers.
Fires broke out on the streets and an effigy of a City banker was set ablaze after riot police hemmed in a group of demonstrators near the Bank of England.
One police officer was taken to hospital and received treatment after suffering a blow to the head. Seven protesters were also taken to hospital.
Senior officers have vowed to arrest a small group of protesters, some wearing bandanas and hoodies, who smashed windows at a Royal Bank of Scotland office.
Smoke bombs were hurled into the building and some protesters entered, with Scotland Yard officers following around 15 minutes later "in support of building security".
Two people were held for aggravated burglary over the raid on the RBS building in Threadneedle Street and two for public order offences.
Others were held for threatening behaviour, possession of drugs, violent disorder and blocking a road. Eleven people were arrested on Wednesday morning after police uniforms were found in the back of an armoured vehicle.
Met Police Commander Simon O'Brien said: "As we went on it was clear there were people within the group that were first of all involved in juvenile and puerile behaviour.
"That started to escalate into quite provocative behaviour towards police lines. There were small groups charging forwards and backwards into police lines."
"It did seem to us from CCTV and police on the scene that they tried to find a way to ramp up the protest and hijack it into violence. We believe these were the sort of people we have been monitoring on the internet and on-line prior to today."

PEOPLE THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO BANKS WILL FOLD IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER NWO WILL COME AND FEMA DEATH CAMPS WILL COME IN TO FORCE REMEMBER ONE WORLD GOVERMENT

HERE WE GO AGAIN TIME SCALE FOR THE NWO IS ON TIME

2009-04-02T06:13:00.001+01:00

Drivers will have to fork out an extra 2.12p a litre for fuel today after the government's delayed fuel tax hike finally came into force.
The AA says a family with two cars will probably end up paying an extra £54.53
a year in tax as the national average price of petrol jumps to 94.22p a litre.
Meanwhile, the Freight Transport Association (FTA) warned the increase could "push businesses over the edge". It fears another rise in fuel tax in this month's Budget.
"The government has another bite of the cherry on 22 April," said FTA chief executive Theo de Pencier. "If they take that bite, they are as good as signing the death warrants for some businesses and putting yet more workers onto the dole queue."
"At a time when jobless figures are already sky-rocketing, the government needs to understand that such actions will only add to them."
These increase are "no joke" said AA president Edmund King. "It's a shame that this and other fuel tax increases will severely dent consumer spending and undermine the UK's economic recovery."
"Taking an extra £1 off drivers each time they fill up their fuel tank is a £1 taken away from High Street and leisure spending that would help revive the economy."

The Secret Cabals Working Toward a Global One-World Government

2009-03-26T09:03:00.002Z

In many ways, this is the core concept from which many other conspiracy theories spring forth. The "New World Order" is the fabled end-game for the power-hungry global elite that many believe are behind the events that have shaped history and current events. The core theory speculates that long-standing bloodlines and banking families have entered secret arrangements to consolidate power and influence via a global one-world government. The secret societies such as the Bilderbergs and Illuminati (and to some extent elite Free Masons) are at the core of the theory. Suspected members of these groups are associated with major international banks, the Project for the New American Century, the Council on Foreign Relations, and the Trilateral Commission. The people speculated to be at the center of this particular conspiracy comprise a short-list of less than 3,000 of the who's-who in international politics, industry, and finance. Led by the select few who represent multi-generational family involvement for whom power consolidation has replaced wealth accumulation, the goal is global amalgamation in the form of a tightly controlled police mega-state. Contemporary events, such as the controlled demolition of the economy and purposely failed U.S. foreign policy are seen as the latest necessary steps toward the inevitable global police state. Even elements of the UFO and ET technology cover-ups can be traced back to this unification conspiracy theory as the power elite use all tools at their disposal to refine the technologies needed to control a global population. In one way or another, according to traditional conspiracy theorists, all lessor conspiracies are traced back to this singular but complex theory that is to conspiracies what string theory is to physics. More information about this particular conspiracy theory may be obtained from the following topics here on AboveTopSecret.com:
VIDEO: End Game
VIDEO: War Made Easy
Who's Going to Join the Zeitgeist Movement?
Get Ready Folks.
Do Not Watch This Video...
NWO Survival Planning
DHS: "You'll get a National ID and you'll Like it"
The Omega Agency: "Above The President"
Is The War Against The NWO Already Lost?
New World Order Forum: Recent Topics Overview
Secret Societies Forum: Recent Topics Overview

The Collapse of the Global Economy Was A Controlled Demolition

2009-03-26T08:57:00.001Z

While this may, justifiably, be a sub-set of the conspiracy theory coming in at number-one, the contemporary nature, and real emotional and economic pain being felt by the average person, makes this worthy of a position in the middle of our top-ten. Taking a cue from terminology often used in our number-three conspiracy, the "controlled demolition" refers to the decades-long plan to destroy the collective wealth of the average person. In the first half of the previous century, people's financial savings were almost exclusively tied up in bank savings, pensions, and personal real estate (homes). Since those three simple vehicles for building or sustaining personal prosperity were not easily controlled or manipulated by the "powers that be," new methods were required to shift the finances from those relatively static, uncontrollable sources, to a more fluid and easily manipulated destination, the stock market. As a result, the government created and promoted several methods of "saving for retirement" that were tied to equity markets. Over time, an epic shift of wealth storage occurred that gave rise to huge global "investment banks" and drove equities indexes to unthinkable highs. But savings was only part of the plan. The "powers that be" needed access to the equity in homes. So the shift in wealth storage soon focused on personal real estate. Unconventional mortgages were devised and sold at a dizzying pace to unqualified buyers. In order to fund highly exotic and risky mortgage-backed securities, both conventional and unconventional mortgages were pushed in a frenetic sales effort. The public was encouraged to use the equity in their personal real estate as credit for a massive consumer culture through home equity lines of credit, which were also folded into the exotic securities. With these strategies, the final component of the wealth storage shift was complete -- nearly every mortgage was tied to impossibly complex and highly-leveraged investment products designed to bring about catastrophe. Now that the collective wealth of the average person had been transitioned to easily manipulated equity markets, the stage was set. Those few who devised this decades-long plan reaped the financial rewards as the "bombs" were detonated and the economy collapsed inward, resulting in the hard-earned savings of millions of people very-nearly vanishing in mere months, and the values of their homes crashing so hard it created millions of people with negative equity. The populace was successfully stripped of their wealth. More information about this particular conspiracy theory may be obtained from the following topics here on AboveTopSecret.com:
RED ALERT: FX Dislocation In Process
History of Housing Prices Chart - SHOCKING
U.S. Dollar Biggest Decline In Quarter Century
The End of The United States: The Bush Administration Plan
US Banking Collapse a 'Controlled Demolition'

2009-02-13T09:54:00.001Z

RELAX!!!

TO ALL MY 'NUTTY' FRIENDS Have a fabulous STRESS FREE Day!

2009-02-13T09:51:00.002Z

Thought for the day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.Piss on it and walk away.

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2009-02-13T09:40:00.003Z

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prev! Ent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forc! Ing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed! His hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.! The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says! The admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, w! Ithout a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

WORDS OF ADVICE

2009-02-03T07:00:00.004Z

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been put on my blog for you for good luck . It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

POLICE NEVER AROUND WHEN YOU NEED THEM

2009-01-22T07:00:00.002Z

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said,'Okay' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars Red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

WAKE UP PEOPLE AND SEE

2009-01-18T08:49:00.001Z

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM UNLOCK YOUR MOBILE

2009-01-01T15:19:00.000Z

JOKE OF THE DAY

2008-12-31T08:50:00.003Z

CHEWING GUM

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?''We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

WINTER JOLLYS JOKES

2008-12-19T02:14:00.000Z

What kind of paper likes music?(W)rapping paper
What do you call a crate of ducks?A box of quackers
What's white and goes up?A confused snowflake
What wobbles and flies?A jelly-copter
What athlete is warmest in winter?A long jumper
What's the fastest thing in water?A motor pike
What's furry and minty?A polo bear
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper?A wooly jumper
What is black and white and noisy?A zebra with a drum kit
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors?An ex-tractor fan
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?Annette
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?Because he couldn't concentrate
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?Bourneville and Dean
How did the Vikings send secret messages?By Norse code
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?Dam
What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?Fanta Claus!
Hear about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?He won a nobel prize
How much must you know to be an auctioneer?Lots
What cereals do cats like?Mice Crispies
Which players in an orchestra can't you trust?The fiddlers
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.The kids were nothing to look at either
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?To see his flatmate
How do hedgehogs make love?Very carefully
What did baby corn say to mummy corn?Where's popcorn?
How do cows subtract?With a cow-culator

OLD WHO'S OLD

2008-12-03T15:02:00.000Z

An old lady!!

2008-12-03T14:56:00.000Z

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Moments later there are further blood curdling screams
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.' 'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Christmas Carol For 2008????

2008-12-03T14:51:00.001Z

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town

2008-12-01T08:09:00.003Z

SAY NO TO THE EURO WE DONT NEED THE EURO AND WE DONT NEED THE REST OF EUROPE THEY NEED US MORE THEN WE NEED THEM SO DONT DO IT BROWN OR ITS ANOTHER NAIL IN LABOURS COFFIN

JOINING THE CHURCH

2008-11-25T07:35:00.000Z

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have A special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from S E X For one whole month.'The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying andthe husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is There a problem?' the pastor inquired.'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from S E X for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.The pastor asked him what happened.'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from theBible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate S E X. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Woolworths either.'

IN TIMES OF TROUBLE

2008-11-24T11:26:00.004Z

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, andThings went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.One woman lost it completely.She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... 'Iron this love -- and then get me a beer.'

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

2008-11-21T21:35:00.001Z

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

HELPING OTHERS

2008-11-21T21:24:00.001Z

A male friend was in Safeway the other day pushing his trolley around when he collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.He said to him, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I really wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.The young man said, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'He said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?The young guy said, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'He said... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

I LOVE MY JOB

2008-11-21T20:40:00.003Z

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is> quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two> days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day

A Drover in the Northern Territory

2008-11-14T16:02:00.003Z

A Drover walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

A Bottle of Merlot

2008-11-14T15:58:00.003Z

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there', and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

The Credit Crunch will Affect Everyone in Britain

2008-11-14T15:58:00.002Z

* TAKE THAT **

2008-11-13T18:21:00.002Z

THE SAUNA

2008-11-12T18:46:00.000Z

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

CHECK THE LINK FOR A NEW WORLD ORDER

2008-11-12T01:36:00.000Z

2008-11-11T16:12:00.001Z

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup, this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

THEN AGAIN, I'VE BEEN WRONG BEFORE

THE HAIRDRYER

2008-11-11T16:10:00.000Z

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course my child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!

Lawyers...

2008-11-09T09:25:00.000Z

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, 'I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?'
St. Peter replied, 'Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!'

wish you was here havin the time of my life

2008-11-08T09:32:00.000Z

'When I get out, someone's gonna DIE!'

2008-11-08T09:30:00.000Z

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

2008-11-05T12:45:00.000Z

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

SICK DAY

2008-11-04T17:11:00.000Z

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

Baked Beans

2008-11-04T17:09:00.001Z

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a woodpulp mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

IRISH COFFEE

2008-11-02T07:15:00.002Z

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went...'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

2008-10-31T09:00:00.002Z

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

2008-10-31T08:58:00.002Z

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

2008-10-31T08:56:00.001Z

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

2008-10-31T08:55:00.001Z

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHs

2008-10-31T08:54:00.001Z

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

2008-10-31T08:48:00.003Z

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

he replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.

' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

MY FISHING PARTNER

2008-10-31T07:59:00.000Z

MANNERS

2008-10-31T07:55:00.002Z

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American IN his place !'An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!'

THE PRAYING MAN

2008-10-29T19:31:00.003Z

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.So she went to the Western Wall to check it out and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. '

Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'

'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.'

'I pray for all our children to grow up safely, as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.' '

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a f**kin' wall.

Hot Air Balloon!

2008-10-27T15:40:00.001Z

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude andspotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady,'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hourago, but I don't know where I am.'The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.''You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?''Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technicallycorrect but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip '.The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.''I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?''Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You madea promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f****** fault.

AMERICA WORLD GOVERMENT DONT LET THIS HAPPEN

2008-10-26T08:48:00.005Z

PEOPLE WE NEED TO WAKE UP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE

WATCH THIS AND THINK ABOUT IT AND ACT NOW

WAKE UP ENGLAND DONT FOLLOW AMERICA ANY MORE

BROWN DONT BE A PUPPET LIKE BUSH BREAK AWAY FROM THE USA
AND BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW.......!

ps dont let me tell you see the evidence for your self

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

FACE LIFT

2008-10-25T16:44:00.000+01:00

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girlThe very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug storeon her way down the street.She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk thisBurning question.The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting nextto her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I wasYoung there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my handsunder* *Your bra.Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets thebest of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel aroundvery slowly and carefully.He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old amI?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, andsays, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could youTell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Cop Vs. Little Girl

2008-10-23T07:29:00.000+01:00

A cop was on his horse
Waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
Beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop Said.
'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike Over and handed the girl a $5 ticket For a safety
Violation.
The cop said,
'Next Year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on The back of it!'
The young girl looked Up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse You've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the Girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked Up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The dick
goes Underneath the horse, not on top

2008-10-23T07:28:00.000+01:00

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, 'What''s in the bags?'
'Sand,' answered Juan.
The guard says, 'We'll just see about that, get off the bike.' The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, 'What have you got?'
'Sand,' says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up at the border one day and the guard bumps into him in a Cantina.
'Hey, Buddy,' says the guard, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
Juan sips his beer and says, 'Bicycles.'

The Three Little Pigs

2008-10-21T08:24:00.001+01:00

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. '
I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. '

I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. '

I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer , lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE this....

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

2008-10-21T08:11:00.001+01:00

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

This credit crisis is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition: Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded.

'Pepper.'

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

The Parish Priest's Chickens

2008-10-18T13:05:00.001+01:00

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation,

"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant.
What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?

" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

AN O.A.P CHECK UP

2008-10-16T08:50:00.000+01:00

A deaf old man goes for a check up to the doctor’swith his wife.Doctor, slowly: 'Mr Roberts, I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample please'.'What did he say dear?' says old Mr Roberts.Mrs Roberts: 'He says he needs your underpants'.

KNOW YOUR AIRLINES

2008-10-16T08:48:00.000+01:00

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

IF ONLY LIFE WAS THIS SIMPLE ........!

2008-10-13T14:18:00.003+01:00

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven

2008-10-13T12:30:00.000+01:00

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chainedFor all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a Duck.'

NELSON MANDELA

2008-10-13T11:38:00.001+01:00

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,'You Sign! You sign!'Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,'You Sign! You sign!'Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.The next day he hears a knock at the door again.When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,'You sign! You sign!'Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,'You sign! You sign!'Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

RIPPED OF AGAIN

2008-10-10T08:03:00.000+01:00

Councillor Mike Eddy said £16m came from the staff pension fund, £8m was school reserves and £2m was Kent Fire Authority money that the council was administering.
The rest of the £50m was made up of council tax and government grants, he added.
Canterbury council had £6m invested, with £4m in Heritable and £2m in Glitnir.
Dover council, Tonbridge and Malling council, and Sevenoaks council each had a £1m deposit with Landsbanki. The councils said services would not suffer.
Thanet council and Dartford council said they had withdrawn deposits from Icelandic banks.
A Dartford council spokesperson said: "The vulnerability of Icelandic banks has been highlighted by our advisers for the past two years."
Deposits from more than 100 councils across England, Wales and Scotland could be at risk, the BBC has learned.

EVERY ONE WHO LIVES IN KENT

2008-10-10T07:13:00.004+01:00

ITS TIME FOR A REFUND FROM THE KENT COUNCIL OR NO POLL TAX NEXT YEAR

YOU SAY THE GOVERMENT TOLD YOU TO DO IT

WOULD YOU PUT YOUR HEAD A PILE OF POO

OR IN A BAKING OVEN NOW WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN RIPING US OFF

SPENDING OUR MONEY ABROAD THE GOVERMENT SUCK NOW SO DO THE KCC

WHEN I PAY MY POLL TAX ITS FOR THIS COUNTRY NOT ANY OTHER

KCC WHAT A JOKE YOU ARE

YOU THE READER TIME TO TAKE THESE JOKERS TO COURT OR GET A REFUND

WHAT SAY OF YOU

Blonde Cookbook

2008-09-30T15:38:00.004+01:00

monday

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

tuesday

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

wednesday

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

thursday

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

friday

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

saturday

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

sunday

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose

An engineer dies

2008-09-29T15:40:00.001+01:00

An engineer dies & reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing & building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in Hell?

Satan replies: 'Hey things are going great.

We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'

God replies, 'What? You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan says: 'No way.

I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah,right.

And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

MORNING SEX

2008-09-29T15:37:00.000+01:00

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'you've got to make love to me this very moment.'My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

BLACK TESTICLES

2008-09-29T15:35:00.001+01:00

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back thecovers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

The future of nursery rhyme's

2008-09-29T15:27:00.003+01:00

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct

It's Raining, It's Pouring Oh gosh, it's Global Warming

Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon 'Pies you dumb arse!'

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too cause he was gay

Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.

2008-09-28T13:30:00.003+01:00

well done to janita & safia for gaining there blue belts on sunday

they will be starting there training for purple white stripe belts on tuesday
keep up the good work

Bath in Holy Water

2008-09-25T21:58:00.000+01:00

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..

2008-09-24T14:56:00.002+01:00

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying git told you I was speeding, too.

Rebuilding New Orleans

2008-09-19T11:41:00.001+01:00

First thing I've seen that makes sense

For complete description of materials and
how to build it,
please refer to Genesis, chapter 5:14-16

* CHECK THIS OUT ***

2008-09-19T11:23:00.004+01:00

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.
For those of you in the 21st century.
You will have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer. People may think you're crazy.
But it's well worth it.

When you look at this picture in a
closer look you see its Albert Einstein.
But if you stand 15 feet away,
It will become Marilyn Monroe.

Give a try

Cheltenham races

2008-09-15T16:10:00.001+01:00

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

WILL THIS DAY EVER HAPPEN AGAIN .....?

2008-09-15T12:27:00.004+01:00

One day, a long, long time ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

2008-09-13T19:33:00.000+01:00

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows

2008-09-13T19:22:00.001+01:00

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to
Know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or
Improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree,
I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised
Or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs
Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her
Appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine
Checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home
Tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in
Here...'

A Bar Joke

2008-09-13T19:19:00.000+01:00

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches i nto the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. < /I>'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by an other duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.' 'No kidding !!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

How is your lateral thinking?

2008-09-12T12:53:00.000+01:00

Many years ago in a small village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a female village moneylender.

The female moneylender, who was old, fat and ugly, fancied the farmer's handsome son, Cliff. So she proposed a bargain. She said she would forego the farmer's debt, if she could marry his son. Both the farmer and his son were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning female moneylender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. She told them that she would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty moneybag. Then the son would have to pick one pebble from the bag. If he picked the black pebble, he would become her husband and her father's debt would be forgiven. If he picked the white pebble he need not marry her and his father's debt would still be forgiven. But if he refused to pick a pebble, his father would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As she picked them up, the sharp-eyed son noticed that she had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag. She then asked the son to pick a pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the son? If you had to advise him, what would you have told him?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
· The son should refuse to take a pebble.
· The son should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a lying, backstabbing female cheat.
· The son should pick a black pebble and sacrifice himself in order to save his father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The son's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if he chooses the above logical answers. What would you recommend to the son to do?
Well, here is what he did....The son put his hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, he fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles. 'Oh, how clumsy of me,' he said. 'But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.' Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that he had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit her dishonesty, the son changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.

BLOND STOWAWAY

2008-09-11T07:04:00.000+01:00

A young blond Portsmouth girl, down on her luck decided
to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold,dark
waters off Gunwharf Quay.
As she stood on the edge pondering the infinite, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping in
are you babes ?' he asked. 'Yes I am' replied the sobbing girl.'
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing is worth that. I'll tell you what,
I'm sailing for Australia tomorrow, why don't you stow away
on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one
of the life boats on the deck, and bring you food and water
every night and I'll look after you if you will look after me --
if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet
so that you won't be found out.'
The girl having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor
smuggled her on board that very night.
For the next three weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat
every night bringing food and water and making love to her
until dawn.
The fourth week , the Captain was performing a routine
inspection of its lifeboats, he peeled back the cover to find
the startled blond, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia,
one of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night, and he's
screwing me.'
The Captain stared at her for a moment before he replied ,
'He certainly is love . . . . this is the Isle of Wight Ferry!'

2008-09-10T13:27:00.002+01:00

JOKE TIME

2008-09-10T12:27:00.000+01:00

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'? The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

NOW UNLOCKING LG PHONE'S SUCH AS THESE

2008-09-09T09:51:00.005+01:00

KE970

KG 320
KG245

KE260

KE770

KE800
KE820

KE850 PRADA

- KE970 - Shine - KE260, - KE770, - KE800, - KE820, - KE850 - Prada - KE60x - LG_KG800 - Chocolate - LG_MG800 - LG_KG90 - LG_KG245 - LG_KG248 - LG_KG320 - LG_MG320 - LG_L343i

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

2008-09-07T15:21:00.002+01:00

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to pressIf you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy any wayIf you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beepIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you .If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done . .. . . . your turn!

THE MORNING AFTER

2008-09-07T15:18:00.001+01:00

Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, - there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son is sitting at the table, eating.Jack , bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. 'Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm happily married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20 pence

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

MEET MAX

2008-09-06T16:54:00.003+01:00

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings iT

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't theres a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

2008-09-05T09:48:00.001+01:00

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to puton her coat. He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.' He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

SPAGHETTI

2008-09-05T09:34:00.000+01:00

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today. ''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without.Send extra sauce

2008-09-05T02:33:00.000+01:00

no speak english

2008-09-04T07:53:00.000+01:00

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

now look down

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

the old one's are the best

2008-08-21T07:13:00.000+01:00

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
-------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.'
-------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
------------------------------------

GOOD OLD TOMMY COOPER JOKES

2008-08-11T16:02:00.003+01:00

Tommy Cooper Jokes Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get marriedThe ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.''That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.''Is it common?''It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can20do for him?''Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.''What? Because he's cross-eyed? ''No, because he's really heavy

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.''Well you can't say fairer than that then'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!---------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.He said 'Say Aaah.'I said 'Why?'He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who'sspeaking please?'And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths.I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my mum or my dad.Or my older brother Colin.Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'And I swerved.And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'And I swerved again.He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'And I said 'I careered off th e road.'

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought 'This is unusual'.And the dentist said to me'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you giveme a lift?'I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, andthe other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They lefta little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen youin a long time'The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in severalplaces'The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.He wasn't very happy.

i went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of themwould have seen it.

Phone answering machine message -'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn'treach the meat off the top shelf.He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered withhundreds and thousands.Police say that he topped himself

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !

2008-07-25T12:03:00.003+01:00

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

THE STORY OF THE DAY

2008-07-23T20:49:00.003+01:00

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk '.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.20
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?

The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236, 284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.

'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight...

. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

2008-07-19T19:02:00.002+01:00

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion,

a Chimpanzee,

a Giraffe,and

a Squirrel,

who pass by.They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron.Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.

the helicopter ride

2008-07-18T07:16:00.000+01:00

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

PLAY WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE

2008-07-18T07:07:00.000+01:00

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.> Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting> competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've> already> given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream> homes,> courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're> now the fastest growing game on the planet.> Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British> passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.> Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits> starting> at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging> and> accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to> everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner> airlines, ferry> companies or Eurostar.> No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have> to> do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:> 'ASYLUM'.> Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan> were> flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted> where> local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to> their luxury> £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join> tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels> all over> Britain. Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs> of Dover> and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic> Bedfordshire.> If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need> to> phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.> Hundreds> of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It> won't> cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.> Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet> activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil> tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali> guerrillas...COME ON> DOWN!> Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to> the> ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France . Go straight to> Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of> lucky winners in> the softest game on earth.> Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.

GORDON BROWN HAS HEART ATTACK

2008-07-11T15:03:00.000+01:00

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.''No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.''But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!''Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with no referendum on the European Constitution and the master strokes with Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the lift and heads upward.When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

HIGHER CAR TAX FROM THE RIP OFF GOVERMENT

2008-07-10T11:40:00.000+01:00

Nearly nine million motorists will pay more road tax under the controversial changes to vehicle excise duty, it has emerged.The Government says the reforms - which will cost around 44% of drivers more money - are aimed at penalising the most polluting vehicles.

(A third of car drivers are likely to be better off.

Official figures predict that 8.7 million vehicles will see tax increased in 2009-10 - all in the six most-polluting bands.
Exchequer Secretary Angela Eagle said five of the UK's 30 most popular cars would pay more under the changes.
They include the 2.2l diesel Land Rover Freelander, the 1.6l unleaded Toyota Auris, the 2.2l diesel Honda CR-V, the 1.8l unleaded Vauxhall Vectra and the 1.6l unleaded Vauxhall Zafira.
Ms Eagle gave the figures in a Commons written answer to shadow Treasury minister Justine Greening.
She said: "As a result of the Vehicle Excise Duty reforms announced at Budget 2008, in 2009-10, it is estimated that within the 13 new bands, a third of cars will be better off in real terms, and in total, approximately 55% of cars will be no worse off."
The controversial changes to VED were unveiled by Chancellor Alastair Darling in his first Budget, doubling the tax on some family saloons to £455.
They attracted criticism from all sides, with 50 Labour rebels signing a Commons motion branding the changes "retrospective" because they will apply to all cars registered since March 2001.
Sheila Rainger, head of campaigns for the RAC, told Sky News the changes don't seem to be about reducing pollution.
"If this was about going green then we would have higher charges for larger vehicles and smaller chages for less polluting cars.
"There is a problem with these changes, it applies to everyone who has bought a car since 2001, so how can that be about influencing future purchasing?
"You have already bought the car and you are going to get hammered by the Chancellor for having something you chose on the best information available seven or eight years ago.
"It is a really serious problem - what we want is people to buy news cars, they are always cleaner regardless of the engine size because of the technology, but now people are going to get stuck with more polluting cars so the opposite of the green plan is going to happen."
Shadow Chancellor George Osborne accused Prime Minister Gordon Brown of seeming to mislead Parliament over the figures.
Treasury officials said "nothing new" had been revealed by the figures

another good joke apart from it's bloody true

2008-07-10T10:43:00.000+01:00

get out now gordon brown while you still can its time for a new party true blue is the colour
nice one joke king norm